Fix you

Kids are in their room (jumping around, but at least in their room),  the kitchen is clean, and banana bread is baking in the oven... I have a lot to be thankful for.  But my heart is still broken.

This is gonna take awhile to bounce back from.

Got to watch Coldplay perform live in Toronto on TV last night.  We enjoyed the "concert" from our couch.... I just love, love, love their older songs... Fix You, especially, because now I can so relate to the heartache and loss....

Tears stream, down your face

When you loose something you can't replace

Tears stream, down your face

And I... will try to fix you

Les Miserables

We found out Les Mis - my favorite musical of all time - is playing at the Kennedy Center in October!!

Tickets are so expensive, but we bought 2 anyways as an early birthday present for me.  The total came out to be $300 -- OMG -- which included a $50 processing fee and a $15 delivery fee.

Neither of us were comfortable with how much it costs but in light of recent events we decided to splurge like this anyways.

And then, today, in the mail, we got a little envelope.  With a check for $315!  It was from our bank.  Apparently we've been paying too much escrow.  WOW!  Thank you God!!!  This made our Friday.  Happy Friday everyone!

Finis

I am thankful the D&C went well today, without complications.  It was quick, painless, and I don't remember any of it.  The kids were well-cared for by grandma, and Jee got to "shop" while he waited for me.

Today was bittersweet.  I really didn't want this procedure.  I just wanted to miscarry naturally.  I wasn't afraid of going under, but I was afraid of confronting what this day meant: that my baby was really, truly dead, and not just a bad dream that I could wake up from.  So the pain and tears escalated last night as the hours approached midnight... everything in me screamed, NO, don't do this, he is still in there, and he is still alive...

But, come morning, I awoke without turmoil.  Only peace.  I got up and went and came back.  I found a pink bag at my doorstep with a Corner Bakery Cake, a neighbor had left, with a sweet note of condolances.  I happily greeted the kids and grandma... and I felt... closure.  It is finished.

I think God allowed me to go this route to help bring closure to these painful events.  The nausea is totally gone, and I don't feel pregnant anymore, which helps my brain "move on".  I still cried today,  knowing he's in heaven.  And I still pray, I hope you are happy there... and I hope you know how much I loved you, even for this short time while you were on earth. 

I miss you so much, baby, and I can't wait to see you someday. 
Love, Mommy.

A cute distraction

A cute distraction, for Jee...since he loves dogs.

Grief

I am not very good at this thing called grieving.  I mean, it's not my first time losing a baby.  But it hasn't gotten easier.  I'd rather stay busy, or as it were, take out my anger on the kids - and yell at them all weekend long.  Emilie told me today, "You're being a bad mom again!  You're yelling!".  Yup.  That one hurt.  A lot.  Instead of apologizing I just got even more upset {just great}.  I'm not handling this well, or gracefully, for sure. 

As we remembered 9/11 this past weekend, watching story after story of brave men who gave their lives to rescue trapped victims in the towers, I realized that suffering and loss are widespread and universal.  So many people have lost loved ones.  Mothers lost sons.  Wives lost husbands.  Sons lost fathers.  Senseless tragedy affects so many around us.  I would call a miscarriage a senseless tragedy.  Senseless because I don't understand why it happened.  It seems so meaningless right now.  I don't know if I will ever understand this loss, on this side of heaven.  Maybe I will understand when it's my turn to leave this earth and stand before my Maker.  I think a lot of things will make more sense then.

This is not at all how

We thought it was supposed to be

We had so many plans for you

We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away

And left us with the memories of your smile

And nothing we can say

And nothing we can do

Can take away the pain

The pain of losing you but ...

We can cry with hope

We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end oh no

And we can grieve with hope

'Cause we believe with hope

(There's a place by God's grace

There's a place where we'll see your face again

We'll see your face again

-Steven Curtis Chapman

 

The lyrics to a beautiful song after Steven lost his child. 

 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit."  -Psalm34:18

 

These things have brought some comfort, in the past few days.

Please pray for our family.  

RIP

Rest in peace, baby.  Mommy will always love you.  I will see you in heaven one day, with your older brother. xoxo

struggling

Having a rough day... the nausea is overwhelming me... and the exhaustion is staggering.  I barely made it to school, dropped the kids off, and came home and slept for an hour.  I feel like I got hit by a bus.  The thunderstorms kept Elizabeth awake so she would not nap.  I'm just counting the minutes until Jee gets home.  Being preggers at 35 is not the same as it was at 31.  Can't wait to get out of the first trimester...

ihearttheboureidentityseries

i will never get tired of watching any of the bourne identity series.  just watched the end of the bourne ultimatum.  i.love.it.  i love the action, the espionage, the thrill of the chase, the cat-and-mouse game taken up through classified cia black ops programs gone south.  wahoo!