Finis

I am thankful the D&C went well today, without complications.  It was quick, painless, and I don't remember any of it.  The kids were well-cared for by grandma, and Jee got to "shop" while he waited for me.

Today was bittersweet.  I really didn't want this procedure.  I just wanted to miscarry naturally.  I wasn't afraid of going under, but I was afraid of confronting what this day meant: that my baby was really, truly dead, and not just a bad dream that I could wake up from.  So the pain and tears escalated last night as the hours approached midnight... everything in me screamed, NO, don't do this, he is still in there, and he is still alive...

But, come morning, I awoke without turmoil.  Only peace.  I got up and went and came back.  I found a pink bag at my doorstep with a Corner Bakery Cake, a neighbor had left, with a sweet note of condolances.  I happily greeted the kids and grandma... and I felt... closure.  It is finished.

I think God allowed me to go this route to help bring closure to these painful events.  The nausea is totally gone, and I don't feel pregnant anymore, which helps my brain "move on".  I still cried today,  knowing he's in heaven.  And I still pray, I hope you are happy there... and I hope you know how much I loved you, even for this short time while you were on earth. 

I miss you so much, baby, and I can't wait to see you someday. 
Love, Mommy.