Grief

I am not very good at this thing called grieving.  I mean, it's not my first time losing a baby.  But it hasn't gotten easier.  I'd rather stay busy, or as it were, take out my anger on the kids - and yell at them all weekend long.  Emilie told me today, "You're being a bad mom again!  You're yelling!".  Yup.  That one hurt.  A lot.  Instead of apologizing I just got even more upset {just great}.  I'm not handling this well, or gracefully, for sure. 

As we remembered 9/11 this past weekend, watching story after story of brave men who gave their lives to rescue trapped victims in the towers, I realized that suffering and loss are widespread and universal.  So many people have lost loved ones.  Mothers lost sons.  Wives lost husbands.  Sons lost fathers.  Senseless tragedy affects so many around us.  I would call a miscarriage a senseless tragedy.  Senseless because I don't understand why it happened.  It seems so meaningless right now.  I don't know if I will ever understand this loss, on this side of heaven.  Maybe I will understand when it's my turn to leave this earth and stand before my Maker.  I think a lot of things will make more sense then.

This is not at all how

We thought it was supposed to be

We had so many plans for you

We had so many dreams

And now you've gone away

And left us with the memories of your smile

And nothing we can say

And nothing we can do

Can take away the pain

The pain of losing you but ...

We can cry with hope

We can say goodbye with hope

'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end oh no

And we can grieve with hope

'Cause we believe with hope

(There's a place by God's grace

There's a place where we'll see your face again

We'll see your face again

-Steven Curtis Chapman

 

The lyrics to a beautiful song after Steven lost his child. 

 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit."  -Psalm34:18

 

These things have brought some comfort, in the past few days.

Please pray for our family.